"Why I'm Still Single"

Lately my singleness has felt a lot like a burden and I've found myself wondering "Why am I still single?" Lots of little things have created the perfect storm for these feelings and questions. For the first year ever three complete strangers said “Happy Mother’s Day” to me. Kids who were in elementary school when I started my job at Watermark are getting married (times 4.) I’m turning 42 in a little over a month and never would I have imagined I would do that single. There are things I cannot do because I’m single. A friend told me the other day that we are in a life stage that no one wants to be in. And for the first time ever… I actually left an event and felt like an old maid.

Each circumstances has left me with a feeling of sadness in my singleness and each time my “go to questions” start running through my head… “Is there something I’m not doing that I should be doing?” “Am I ‘putting myself out there’ enough?” “Is there something terribly wrong with me and no one is brave enough to tell me?” “Is there something about my appearance that I need to change … grow out my hair, wear more makeup, etc.?" (There are more but you get the idea.)

And then I realized I began questioning my “go to answers” to my “go to questions”… “I have amazing community around me and they would tell me if something was wrong with me.” “God is sovereign and if He wanted me married I will be married.” “God is good and He does not withhold what is good from those who love Him.” “There are plenty of girls with short hair and who don’t wear a lot of makeup who are married.”

I actually started wondering if I was just telling myself these things to feel better and it was time to stop fooling myself. And sweetly the Lord has again reminded me of what’s true…

1) My community: I have been so blessed with friendships in my life that tell me the truth. And when I look back at the truth they have told me, I know they aren’t holding out on me.

2) God has been so faithful to show me often and tangibly that He doesn’t need my help for anything and that includes marriage if He has that for me.  No joke… every year for the past 7 years different friends have randomly set me up on a blind date and every time I don’t hear back from the guy. I really think it is God’s way of showing me that “He’s got this!”

3) We are in the middle of reading Psalms with "Join the Journey" and just about every other psalm has a reminder of God’s unfailing love and that His provision is perfect and right.

• I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. –Psalm 13:6
• You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. –Psalm 16:11
• God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. -Psalm 18:30
• The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. –Psalm 23:1
• But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “YOU are my God!” My future is in your hands. –Psalm 31:14-15a
• The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.” –Psalm 32:8
• Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. –Psalm 34:10
• The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. –Psalm 37:23
• And a whole list of others… Psalm 1, Psalm 2:12, Psalm 3:3-5, Psalm 5:11-12, Psalm 10:9-10, Psalm 18:19, Psalm 23, Psalm 27:4, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 55:22, Psalm 56:3-4, Psalm 63:3, Psalm 73:21-26, Psalm 84:10-11, Psalm 92:4, Psalm 94:18-19, Psalm 95 

4) One of the Psalms also talks about thankfulness being a sacrifice that pleases the Lord and a friend reminded me that living out the hardness of not getting something you desire and choosing to trust and serve the Lord is a sacrifice that brings Him great glory. (Psalm 50:14, 23)

5) Elisabeth Elliot passed away this week and I have been reminded of the truth that she knew through some powerful quotes of hers from books I’ve read through the years.

• “I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.” (Passion and Purity)
• “Where does your security lie? Is God your refuge, your hiding place, your stronghold, your shepherd, your counselor, your friend, your redeemer, your savior, your guide? If He is, you don’t need to search any further for security.” (Psalm 34:8, Psalm 119:14, Nahum 1:7, Psalm 23:1, Isaiah 9:6, John 15:15, Psalm 19:25, Luke 1:47, Psalm 48:14)
• “But the question to precede all others, which finally determines the course of our lives is, ‘What do I really want?’ Was it to love what God commands, in the words of the collect, and to desire what He promises? Did I want what I wanted, or did I want what He wanted, no matter what it might cost?” (Passion and Purity)
• “God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don’t have now, we don’t need now.” (Philippians 4:19) (The Path of Loneliness)

6) Psalm 77:22-12 and Psalm 78 were also great reminders to remember what God has done in my life and all that I have been so fortunate to be a part of because of my singleness.  There are so many relationships I would have missed out on and so much I have gotten to do because the Lord has kept me single. The list blows my mind! And I’m not the only one living in circumstances that no one wants and that feel a lot like a burden… whether it’s cancer, infertility, job loss, car accidents or anxiety. This world isn’t all peaches and roses and in fact... it can be just plain crappy sometimes!

So why do I write all this? It helps to get it out on paper and again remind myself of what is true. I also want to see my singleness as a sacrifice of thanksgiving as I lay down what I think I want and trust what He has to give, not as a burden

I also know I’m not alone in wondering if God knows what He’s doing, if He lost my number or if what He claims about Himself is really true. And I know that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to struggle with my lot. But I also know that God continues to tangibly and clearly encourage me and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to share that with others. I don’t know exactly what your “singleness” is… but I know He cares and He hasn’t forgotten you! 

Weak Faith

I heard someone say the other day that "we have weak faith." For some reason that phrase hit me funny and so got me asking the question, is that even possible? Can our faith actually be weak?

Scripture tells us that faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain. Here Jesus says it is a matter not not having enough faith.

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. 

“I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” 

Matthew 17:20

There's and entire list of people in Hebrews 11 that made some incredible choices because of their 
faith.  I don't see at any point the scripture claiming that had "strong faith" or "a lot of faith." And it gives the definition of faith with talks about assurance, hope, and confidence.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.

Hebrews 11:1-2

In Jeremiah God called His people Israel faithless.

Therefore, go and give this message to Israel. This is what the Lord says: “O Israel, my faithless people, come home to me again, for I am merciful. I will not be angry with you forever." Jeremiah 3:12

And when Jesus is talking to the people He asks "why do you have little faith" when you see how God takes care of the flowers?

"And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?" 

Matthew 6:30

And faith is a gift of God and nothing that God gives is weak.

For by grace you have been saved through faith;
and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;

Romans 5:8

For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more 

highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, 

as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.  

Romans 12:3

And Paul writes of their faith being enlarged.

We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brethren, as is only fitting, because your faith is greatly enlarged, and the love of each one of you toward one another grows ever greater; 

2 Thessalonians 1:3

So I think it is more a matter of the size of your faith or maybe even not having faith at all.  When we appear to have "weak faith" it's a reflection of a belief problem.  We don't believe God and therefore we don't have faith in what He says or who He is.  So let's pray for God to grant us more faith to trust Him!

Good-bye 30's!

Good-bye 30's, thank you for...

-first time ever living alone

-adoptions 

-introducing me to solo trips

-lymes disease and food allergy craziness

-sky-diving

-multiple trips to Africa

-seeing God move and radically change lives

-making me Aunt Zuzu

-an amazing decade of working with amazing people I love

-beach trips

-seeing provision for and being a part of  the building project

-deepening of friendships and new ones developing

-Estes Parks

-many marriages and births

-conflicts and reconciliations 

-more sunsets than I can count

-NCIS

-orphans sponsored 

-Israel family trip

-untweetables

-NKOTB reuniting 

-Costa Rica and crazy laughter

-sweet last memories with grandparents

-24

-more ice cream and queso than was totally healthy

-peeps, peeps and more peeps

-amazing picture opportunities

-time in Haiti

-deeper understanding of God's grace and unconditional love 

-a great runway to head into 40!

The 30's have been pretty incredible! Can't even begin to imagine what the 40's hold. Here we go...

"God has a great plan for me!"

"God has a great plan for me!"

I have said these words countless times.  And yet, just recently I felt convicted to stop saying them and replace them with... "I am in the middle of God's great plan for me!"

If it's true that God loves me, gives me what He believes is best for my life to draw me closer to Him and to bring Him the most glory.... the I must believe that this day, where I am in life, my current circumstances are all a part of His plan for me.

It's not always easy to swallow.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be able to eat and not wonder how it is going to affect me physically and emotionally.  I want to be married.  I want kids of my own.  I want to sleep through the night.  If I'm completely honest... my flesh wants an easy life.

But when I take my eyes off of easy, and dive into God's truth and keep my eyes fixed on Him... I have peace.  I have joy.  I have hope. I want my life to count for His Name! I want others to see Him and be drawn to Him.

I was blessed today to share the stage with countless stories of: "this is not how I planned or pictured my life to be today... BUT... God is faithful and He does give me what I need for this path He has me on... AND He is good... and I choose to follow Him and not give in to my flesh."

If you didn't get a chance to hear the stories: CLICK HERE!

And below are 2 great songs I hope will encourage you as well.

A Painful Reminder

Today I went to see a movie with a friend.  On the way there I realized I had an unused Studio Movie Grill groupon.  When I opened the app, 4 popped up.  Now I knew that I had only one unused, but when I got to the counter, I presented it like I had 2.  Yes, the Spirit was convicting me, and I politely shrugged Him off.  After receiving the discount, pondering it, sitting part way through the movie, I knew I had to confess and make it right.  Confessed to the Lord, community, and made it right with Studio Movie Grill.

But why... why am I tempted to not tell the truth and deceive to receive something that isn't mine? Why??? Then the same Spirit that brought the conviction politely reminded me of what today is... Good Friday... and that Sunday is coming!  

I HATE that I am still tempted to sin, I hate that I actually choose to fall to those temptations at times, but man am I thankful...

Thankful that Christ chose to sit under these trees and say... "Not my will but yours be done!"

Thankful that He chose to write Peter into the story, where Peter stood in this garden and denied Christ and yet Christ came back and said... "And be sure and tell Peter!"

And that He chose to go here and lay down His life and say... "It is finished!'

Thank you Jesus, for choosing death so that I might have life!
Thank you for Your forgiveness and freedom even when I choose what does not honor you.

Spring is Here

Well... at least technically!  I went to the arboretum on Friday for my yearly... "take another photo of a tulip" day.  Pretty sure I have more tulip photos than any one human could possibly need. But this doesn't stop me from spending some time outside, even if it is a little chilly.  I love, love, love color and flowers.  So here are my favorites.

You What???

This past weekend I spent time with a friend.  The entire time we were together she looked miserable.  Her body language said she wasn't having any fun.  She looked tense and stressed out. When we got in the car to head home she said, "thank you so much for taking me, I had a really good time!"
The first thing that went through my head was, "You what?" I was shocked! Nothing in her body language or our conversation would day that she was having a good time.
And this got me to thinking... how often does what I look like or do say something opposite of what I would say?  The very first thought that came to mind was my belief in the Lord's goodness and sovereignty.  I believe He is good.  I believe He is sovereign and in absolute control.  And yet, I think all too often, throughout a day, my body language and actions would say something different.  ARGH!  I don't like this.  So I am challenged to really look at my actions and life, what does it say about who God is.  I know it says something about what I believe, but I want it to say more about truth.  May my belief grow and my body language confirm it!