Thursday, April 22, 2010

Staying in it!

Every time I get ready to start a post, I am never sure exactly where I am going to end up. This one is to the extreme, but I know I need to write it to get some of it out.
These last 16 days have been full of lots of loss, sadness and questions.
It had been a week full of hard conversations, walking with friends through difficult situations. And being reminded of the devastation of lies and darkness and the freedom that comes when you bring all things into the light. I went home Friday night, April 9th emotionally exhausted, with my ringer off with the intention of sleeping until I woke up.
I was woken up 1 1/2 hours later to the horrible news that a friend of mine's father had passed away. The next 24 hours in shock and just trying to love and care for my friends. I crawled into bed that night knowing that Popo (my Dad's dad) was beginning to go down hill physically and that I needed to probably go to see him that week. Once again, laid down with the intent of sleeping until I woke up. (With my phone on!)
At 8am Sunday morning, my phone rang and my Mom tells me that my Grandpa (her dad) was gone. (see previous post) After the memorial service for my friend's dad, I headed up to the hospital to meet my Dad. Popo had taken a turn for the worse. Yesterday Hospice was called in and he will probably pass away some time this week,
With each day, I have felt the sadness of loss. There have been days that it has felt really overwhelming. I have run to the Lord and asked lots of questions. Not necessarily "why", as I know that His plan is best and He is good, and He loves us. But more... are the things that I say and believe, TRUTH? I want to be holding on to nothing but truth. I want to encourage all around me with truth.
People have asked me what they can do... and there really hasn't been anything to do. I'm just thankful for ears that listen to my processing. Eyes that read my emails and pray. Arms that hug me (ok, let's not get too crazy!) And truly just knowing I am not alone.
I know that even when I get the phone call that Popo is gone, it won't be over. I know that there is a lot of processing, healing, grieving to do. And I am not by any stretch the only one all of these losses are affecting. And so I stay in it. I stay engaged, I ask the questions, I love where I can, I let people love me where I can, and I take a break and rest when I need to. I keep trusting the Lord and I get up each morning, thankful that His mercies are new today!
I'm sure as the days go on... there will be more. But for now... thank you for loving me and my family.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

This Picture Speaks...

A thousand words to my last 2 weeks...

Monday, April 12, 2010

We'll Miss You Grandpa!

Well I got the phone call that I knew would be coming soon. My Grandpa Schmidt passed away peacefully at about 6:00am (MT) today. It is never an easy phone call to get.

I am thankful that he went peacefully, I know that he was ready to go. I am also soooo thankful that I got to have the time with him that I did in March. I got to just be with him, play scrabble, help him shave, and create a few last memories. I will miss him a lot.

Even though I didn't get to see him a ton or talk to him a lot in the last couple of years, he is such a huge part of my life. I'm not sure how much I can get out right now... still kinda raw. But I took a bunch of pictures when I was up there that tell a bunch of the story!

He was such a work horse. Chopping wood was something we saw him do a lot of. He always had a wood burning stove and that's the tea kettle he used to heat the water for his coffee and tea every day.These are his shirts. He wore plaid a lot :) He worked his farm his entire life. And he was great at patching up and using them until they were literally threads.He loved horses. The little one on the back is me, and the front one is my sister. This horse is Smokey! I think he would say Smokey was his favorite.He almost always had a hat on.He always included us in what he was doing. This is in Kansas, the farm that we great up going to. You can see that each of us has some horse feed to carry. And the jacket he has on in this picture was finally thrown away 3 years ago when it caught on fire! :)The pile of gloves. I'm not sure if he ever threw a pair away. I think he is where I get pack rat nature from. Ok, maybe not!As you can see... another example of wearing something out. I can picture him now, putting his boots on by the front door to go out and do chores. We always had to be on our toes and ready to go... he wasn't waiting!The last picture I took with him. He did not like to have his picture taken. But he almost always cooperated... atleast mostly!

I will miss you Grandpa. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me. And thank you for letting me always follow you around and learn from you. I love you!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Tug of War

Sometimes I feel like a nut! I find myself pulled between two different desires. I know I am not the first person to struggle with this... and not the last either. As Paul said in Romans 7:15 (I chose the Message version), " What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise."

Here are some of the thoughts running through my head today...
-I watch Extreme Home Makeover, I read a book, I see a blog post... I want to help those in need. Then not 10 seconds later... I need some new spring tops!
-I want to give what I have so that others can know God... I think I need one more of these, just to make the set complete.
-I want to move, downsize, and be able to share more... It sure would be great to own my own home and decorate and entertain or I'm comfortable right where I am.
-I want to memorize more or just finish what I started... I think this tv show looks funny, so I that's where I spend my hour.
-I need to be more giving with my time... I think I'll take a nap.
I could go on and on.

Now, please don't hear me say that the above shows one side of a list that is good, pure and holy and the other is sin and evil. I know that it all comes down to my heart. All comes back to where I am focusing and who I am listening too.
It just reminds me that on this earth I will still wrestle with my flesh, with wanting the comforts of this world. It really makes me crazy at times. I want to get it, get it right, and do it without looking back. I want to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind. I want to be done! But DANG IT, I'm not!
I'm thankful that He is not surprised by my wrestling. That He knows I will choose Biggest Loser over time with Him. That He knows I will look to others to meet my needs and fulfill my longings.
I am also soooo thankful that He tells me His grace is sufficient, that He knows me inside and out, the He LOVES me ANYWAY!
So, I'll dig into Him a little deeper and allow Him to pull on the rope for me! And I'll trust Him to change me a little more today!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Orphan Sponsorship...

A blog post about the Orphan Sponsorship opportunities at my church...

So grateful to be a part of this...