Thursday, April 22, 2010

Staying in it!

Every time I get ready to start a post, I am never sure exactly where I am going to end up. This one is to the extreme, but I know I need to write it to get some of it out.
These last 16 days have been full of lots of loss, sadness and questions.
It had been a week full of hard conversations, walking with friends through difficult situations. And being reminded of the devastation of lies and darkness and the freedom that comes when you bring all things into the light. I went home Friday night, April 9th emotionally exhausted, with my ringer off with the intention of sleeping until I woke up.
I was woken up 1 1/2 hours later to the horrible news that a friend of mine's father had passed away. The next 24 hours in shock and just trying to love and care for my friends. I crawled into bed that night knowing that Popo (my Dad's dad) was beginning to go down hill physically and that I needed to probably go to see him that week. Once again, laid down with the intent of sleeping until I woke up. (With my phone on!)
At 8am Sunday morning, my phone rang and my Mom tells me that my Grandpa (her dad) was gone. (see previous post) After the memorial service for my friend's dad, I headed up to the hospital to meet my Dad. Popo had taken a turn for the worse. Yesterday Hospice was called in and he will probably pass away some time this week,
With each day, I have felt the sadness of loss. There have been days that it has felt really overwhelming. I have run to the Lord and asked lots of questions. Not necessarily "why", as I know that His plan is best and He is good, and He loves us. But more... are the things that I say and believe, TRUTH? I want to be holding on to nothing but truth. I want to encourage all around me with truth.
People have asked me what they can do... and there really hasn't been anything to do. I'm just thankful for ears that listen to my processing. Eyes that read my emails and pray. Arms that hug me (ok, let's not get too crazy!) And truly just knowing I am not alone.
I know that even when I get the phone call that Popo is gone, it won't be over. I know that there is a lot of processing, healing, grieving to do. And I am not by any stretch the only one all of these losses are affecting. And so I stay in it. I stay engaged, I ask the questions, I love where I can, I let people love me where I can, and I take a break and rest when I need to. I keep trusting the Lord and I get up each morning, thankful that His mercies are new today!
I'm sure as the days go on... there will be more. But for now... thank you for loving me and my family.


  1. Suz, I am so sorry. I pray that the Lord give you perseverance, endurance, strength, hope, and that you do feel His love. I can relate to your post more than I want to :) after this month. I chalk April 2010 to be a haze. I too have asked very similar questions. Thank you for sharing. Aleks

  2. Thanks for sharing Suzanne. God's shown me a lot of unresolved (and I think still undiscovered) anger and grief in recent months, which makes me want to run. Unfortunately, my natural instinct is to run FROM Him instead of TO Him. Praying that He'll draw you ever closer through this time.

  3. Suzanne, so sorry for the whirlwind of grief that you've been walking through. Praying for you for rest beyond the hours of sleep you get, and that God will bring you beauty in the midst of the pain.