My struggle is nothing new, in fact it feels like an old one that has resurfaced. I want to be married! There I said it! It actually isn't an easy thing for me to say, hence where lots of the wrestling comes in. The desire has always been there, but it has been somewhat dormant until 6 or 8 months ago. I noticed that it started to weigh more in my thoughts, that I was more aware of what I wanted. And then of course that put me into the struggle. The struggle of wondering why the Lord has "kept it from me." Now I realize that is not the greatest way to look at it, but at times it does feel that way.
I want to pause here and say... when I look back at the last 9 years of my life, I can not imagine it being different than it was. I have LOVED all that I have been given the privilege of being a part of. I know that it would have all looked drastically different if I had been in a different life stage. I know that I have gotten to go and do a lot because I am single. I know there are people's lives I have been involved in because I'm unattached. And I really would not change any of it!
But for whatever reason, the desire has risen to the surface again and I'm not sure what to do with it. You see there is more to the struggle than just wanting to be married. I find myself wrestling with whether or not I want to actually pray for a husband. This is going to sound somewhat crazy, but I am afraid of what might happen. So much of what has happened in my life has been by faith and obedience. I have had to release what I want so that God could be glorified with the plan He was unfolding. And yet it took work on me and it was not always easy and yet it always changed me, and I do believe for the better.
But I have this fear that praying for a husband is going to call for the same action and I am scared. I'm scared He is going to take me to places I will not want to go or will be afraid to go or will "change my mind about wanting it." I know you might be thinking I am nuts, or that this seems a little dramatic. (I do have a little drama in me.)
And so I am wrestling. Wrestling with why God has chosen to put me where I am. Wrestling with the questions... Are you being most glorified with me single? Is this where you have chosen to put me and you are choosing this for me for good? Is it because I am fearful that you have not brought him in? Am I hoping for something that is not going to happen?
It is also tempting to start asking these questions... Is there something wrong with me? Am I not being "available" enough? Is it because I have chosen to work in Family Ministry on church staff that has kept me single? (Although that one gets trumped real fast because I do believe I have been right where He called me to be.) Actually I guess a lot of questions get trumped because I do believe I have been walking in obedience to where I have been called.
And so this morning I was journaling once again with all of this, all the questions of why and then the fears associated with asking for what I think I want. And I'll throw another piece out there... I also fear that I will ask for it and God will give it to me, but not because it is what He has for me. See also the Israelites asking for a king! But this morning I read a devotional where the verse in Matthew 11:26 was quoted...
Yes, Father, it pleased you to do it this way.
And I was once again reminded of God's sovereignty. Of His being fully in control. And then I kept reading and of course it gets to one of the most famous parts of scripture....
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
I think wrestling will forever be a part of who I am. Most of the time I am thankful that God created me this way and I am all the time thankful that He loves me and can handle all of it.
And so... off to recover a little from my exercising and rest by placing all of this in His very capable hands! At least for a little while!
Photo taken by Kevin McConaghy.
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