I know this is probably going to sound a little nutty... but I WANT TO BE A BOY! Now I know that the statement I am about to make is TOTALLY stereotyping and really does not pertain to every male and I actually know females who can do this too. But the thing is... I want...
TO BE ABLE TO COMPARTMENTALIZE!!!
I want to be able to just live my life right now... OK! I want to be able to have a hard thing happen and deal with it in that moment OR move on to the next topic or thing and not think about the hard thing that just happened.
BUT I CAN'T. Every thing is all mixed up together in one big box. It all affects each other. If I need to have a hard conversation with someone, I don't do very well at walking about happy until I am able to have the conversation. If I am not being obedient to the Lord, I can not shake into "OK" mode until I am obedient. If I just cried for 20 minutes, hard for me to move on over to the happy train and keep going. ACK!
There are a lot of voices going off in my head right now telling me truth about this... and they are all pretty clear. But for now... I'm gonna try to compartmentalize and...
Go swing a bat or get some Skoal!
I have an analogy that I've shared with friends that I think you might be able to relate to.
ReplyDeleteMy struggles (and I expect your grief) is like a constant background noise. It's rare that I can get others to grasp that, but I recently compared it to the white noise of Central Expressway. See, my condo is right off Central, and my bedroom and office windows face the highway. I can hear the traffic on 75 24/7. Sometimes it's more pronounced than at other times (like when the 2 a.m. 120 mph motorcycle enthusiasts pass by). But generally, it's just background noise. Always there, but just below the surface.
Interestingly enough, the one time every week that I can count on that noise receding completely is during the worship set at church. Granted, some might argue that it's simply because the music is so loud. :-) But I know better. I believe that the "noise" of my struggles disappears for a brief time because my mind is so overwhelmed with a focus on God, His greatness, and His love, that there's no room left for the noise.
I pray that you will be overwhelmed with His love - not necessarily so that the noise will disappear, but simply so that you will be overwhelmed with His love.
Swinging a bat used to be my go to when all was not right. It helped temporarily, except the night that some guy in another batting cage hit a ball into my cage that smacked me in the face.
ReplyDeleteCan relate to a lot of what you are saying. Praying the Lord brings you something better than skoal (yuck!) or swinging a bat at who knows what.