Thursday, December 23, 2010


There I said it... it kinda feels like a bad word sometimes.  It has been something I have struggled with before.  The kind where I did not want to get out of bed and when the cloud started to clear, I looked in the mirror and said, "oh, this is what normal people feel like!"  And I find myself struggling with it again.
This depression did not come out of no where and throw me into the pit for no reason.  I can see all the circumstances that have happened in the last 8 months and know exactly why I am struggling with it.  I've been wrestling with the question of medicine or no medicine for the last month or so.  As one of the girls in my life said, "you have thoroughly convinced me you should take it and thoroughly convinced me you shouldn't!"  Both doctors I talked to said, "yes I would prescribe it to you, but ultimately you have to decide if you want to take it."  And I am thankful that the question I am answering is not... Am I depressed?  The answer to that question is yes!  It is not only the question of... Should I take medication to deal with it?
And so the processing began.  I prayed & journaled, I sought counsel, I processed, I talked to doctors, I got the prescription, and I didn't get it filled.  At the end of the day I really only had one question to answer... Is this part of the story God is writing for me?  Does He want me to take it?  I know for some that sounds too spiritual and that God would be fine with me taking it.  And I agree with you, I don't believe that medication is bad.  I don't think it is wrong to take them.  But I know me and I know that putting my hope in them would not work out well.  I know that they might or might not work.  I know what I was like when I was on them before.  The day I realized they had really taken affect was the night I saw Saving Private Ryan in the theater.  The movie is over, the lights come up and EVERY person in the theater is blowing their nose, wiping tears, or still sobbing.  Everyone but one!  I had not shed a single tear through the entire movie.  And people, that's crazy because I cry at hallmark commercials!
And so I have spent the last month really thinking about it and listening.  And for now the answer is not to take them. It's not a closed case... just for today.  I am so on a day to day functioning here.
But, I know that I am depressed and so that means I have some things that I need to be doing to do what I can to not fall into a huge pit of darkness.  I may still end up there... but I'm trying to do my part.
I'm making my time with the Lord a priority.  Making sure that I am getting big doses of His truth.  Journaling about how I am feeling and laying it all out honestly before Him.
I'm talking about it.  Not just with Him but with people in my life.  It has been all out transparency.  At times it is some ugly cries!  But it has been so great to get the stuff out there and not allow it to fester in the darkness. Light does a number on the lies the enemy wants us to believe! And I am so thankful for friends who will let me be where I am, listen, and also call me to truth and at times action.
I am sleeping and eating normally.  At times I have to be careful with sugar because right now it seems to be putting lows a little lower.  Not easy for me with my sweet tooth that creeps in.
I'm also having to make moment by moment choices.  There are times when I am tired and just want some time to be alone and so I choose not to go to a party or hang out with people.  And other times I know I have to force myself past my anxiety and fears and get out there and be with others.  It has been a mix this holiday season with parties.  But all in all I think a good mix.
I'm also making a list. A list of the ways that God surprises me with how He is choosing to meet my needs.  He has been so creative an amazing with how He has chosen to take care of me and encourage me.  It took some time for me to get to where I was seeing it.  I had this expectations in my head on what it would look like when I went through a hard time... exactly who would be walking with me through it and how.  I didn't totally realize I had those expectations until I was finding myself hurt and disappointed.  And so it took some time for me to realize that God is the one who promises to meet my needs and will provide what I need and I needed to release everyone and let the Lord provide.  And so I started watching and it has been really cool to see all the different ways and different people He is using to encourage me and walk with me through this time.

Thankful for a God who knows me so intimately and loves me with an unfailing love.
And I am thankful that I do feel HOPE in the midst of this depression.
Merry Christmas friends!


Psalm 46
Psalm 32:7-8
Isaiah 26:3-4
Psalm 33:20-22
Psalm 18:1-6
Habakkuk 3:17-19
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Daniel 3:15-18
Isaiah 40:28-31
Isaiah 41:10
2 Corinthians 1:3
Psalm 71:20-21
Romans 5:1-5
Psalm 3:3-5
Galatians 6:1-3
Psalm 63:1-8
Psalm 73:21-26
Psalm 30:10-12
Isaiah 55:8-13
Romans 8:35-39
Psalm 34:4-10,18-20
Lamentations 3:19-25
1 Peter 4:12-13
Isaiah 61:1-3
Job 19:25
Psalm 23
Zephaniah 3:17
Matthew 5:3-12
Psalm 27
Revelations 19:11
2 Corinthians 4:7-11
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Isaiah 46:4
Revelation 21:1-4
2 Corinthians 1:8-10
Revelation 22:1-5
Psalm 119:9-16,49-52,67-72,76,82,123
James 1:2-4
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18


  1. Thanks for your candor and humor as you address this challenging issue well! And I am so thankful that you continually point to Christ, to the HOPE found in Him that is not contingent on our feelings or what is happening in our lives or on anything othe than who He is. Know that you are loved and appreciated far beyond the friends you see frequently!
    Merry Christmas sister!

  2. One of the best posts I have read-thanks for being you. Thanks for being real. Deep. Thank you for encouraging me with your processing.

  3. Praying with / for you Suzanne. I understand where you're at and thank you for some good reminders of whom to look to for comfort.

  4. Care about you, friend. Praying.

  5. Praying for you friend. As I process the loss of my mom I loved your verses of comfort. Praying for hope for both of us.