WARNING... not a happy post!
Today was a really hard day. I woke up sad and pretty much carried that feeling through most of my day. This has just plain been a hard year. I find myself wanting to hope 2011 gets here quick, like maybe it will bring some new perspective, some new happy something. But I know deep down I can't rely on the turning of another year to bring what my heart desires.
I've had more change, loss, hurt, disappointment, and grief than I think I asked for! And I want it to stop. I want to be myself again. I want to feel free again. Happy again. Myself again.
And yet I know I can't force it. I can't make myself move through this stuff any faster. I can keep staying in the fight. I can keep my eyes on truth. I can keep talking and processing. I can keep being honest (brutally apparently today) with where I am.
And after that... I have to trust. Trust that the One who created me, who allowed these last 8 months, the One who I know loves me deeply, unconditionally, unchanging, and faithfully.
A friend reminded me that this is a season. Although it sure seems like winter is holding on, and I can't see any blossoms or green popping through yet, spring will come.
I spent some time today at the arboretum. There should have been a sign up that says... "if you are feeling depressed... DO NOT ENTER... most things inside are dead!"
It really was pretty yucky looking. And honestly kinda made me more sad. But, I was able to find a few blossoms and get a few pics that I like.
(Sorry to be such a downer!)