Sunday, March 28, 2010
Warning... this is a long one... and probably a little raw!
As far back as I can remember, I have loved kids. I loved holding babies, playing mom, being the caretaker, and of course being in charge. I was reminded again last night of how I use to wrangle all the little ones in our "community group" growing up. At birthday parties I would take charge, telling everyone where to go and what to do. At church, I literally was in the nursery as many Sundays as they would let me be. I just loved to take care of everyone, but especially the little ones.
I always thought I would be a mom. I don't think I had totally planned out timing. But I think, like many other girls, thought I would find Mr. Right and have the perfect 2.5 kids. (I don't think I thought the kids would be perfect, but the picture of course :) ) I can say I was pretty obsessed though. Being married and having kids was definitely what took up a lot of my brain power. I would ask the questions and have the thoughts... "Will I marry this one?" or "I know I just met him, but could he be 'the one?" And then the longer it didn't happen, these were the questions that began to take over... "Is something wrong with me?" "Have I somehow 'messed up' God's plan for my life?" "Have I missed Mr. Right?" "If I don't hurry up and get content with being single, then God won't let me get married." "Maybe I should never have let 'that one' go!"
Then I began to look at life differently. I didn't just look for the man that fit me best so that I could get married. I no longer just assumed that marriage and kids were what the Lord had for me. I began looking to Him for His plan for me. What did He have for me? Were a husband and 2.5 kids what would bring Him the most glory and make me more like Christ? I can't tell you that I never struggle any more with the questions above. At times the enemy still wants me to believe that I have control over those things. I know in one sense I could have the control. I could go out there and find me a man. But I know that is not really what I want... what I want is to run hard after the things God has planned for me and to trust Him with EVERYTHING.
Now to this week... and the title, that up to this point makes no sense!
I was having a conversation with some friends and this question arose, "When is it too late to have kids?" The main gist of the conversation... "How old is too old?" One of the first ages thrown out is an age I have already passed. I felt my insides turn. I felt my heart start to get defensive. I did jump in and assure them that it was "much older" than that. Well not really, I just added 5 years to what they said. But then the statement hit that was a little harder for me to take... "our eggs do start to rot." (Just a quick note: I absolutely know that no one there was meaning any of this to hurt me or to be insensitive to me. The conversation had nothing to do with me.)
The egg comment got me a little deeper. 95% of the time. I am completely content with my life. I love what I get to do (and I don't just mean job), who I get to do it with, and believe and trust that God loves me and that His plan is best. And most of the time I realize that I do not "think" I am 36. I do at times stop and think about where I am in life. Single, with no relationship in sight. Not a mom, having processed if adoption is a good answer for me, and at this point believing the Lord has not guided me there. But, I realize that "the eggs do in fact have an expiration date."
Now, I don't know what that date is. I don't know that the answer is never. But I do at times have a sadness in me realizing that it might not be part of my story. As I mentioned earlier I was with the families that I grew up with tonight. Most of the kids now have their own kids. It was weird to see the shift. It was a little tough. (And side note: I was also sad for my parents, because they are now the only ones that aren't grandparents. Sad knowing they may never get to be.)
But here's the truth on all of it. God is in control. I am smack in the middle of the plan that He has for me. A plan that is good and will bring Him the most glory and will bring me what is best. I want what He has for me. I am fretful for the path He has chosen. I know that if I had a family of my own, the life I have lived up to this point would have looked dramatically different. And I really can't imagine that.
I'm not sure the desire is ever going to go away. I still would love to meet a man that I want to spend my life pursuing the Lord and His work with. I would love to have little lives to poor into. And at times I do grieve the dream of those things. But more than I love the dream... I love God and want what He has for me. (And I really don't say that to tie a bow on it and give the right answer, my heart believes it.)
So... expiration date or not... I am going to keep loving on the peeps He does bring and trusting Him with the eggs that haven't hatched yet.