A Whole Bush

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (New Living Translation)
...even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The other day I sent this verse to a couple of friends. One responded and said... "I some how ended up with more than one thorn... how did that happen?" My response... "Oh AMEN!!! I have a whole freaking bush!"

I then read it in The Message...

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Lately I have for sure felt weak. I can not "function" the way I am use to. That I have had to accept the limitations of grief. What the circumstances in my life have asked for. That I have needed more time to process and rest, just be. That I cry more often than normal. That I can't be there for all those I see hurting (of course I never can be, but let's just say less than I could before.) That my room and office look like 2 bombs went off in them instead of 1. That I feel harder to be around than normal. That I just can't be wonder woman and do it all!!!

And yes... it frustrates me. And I have even "begged God to remove it." But alas, this is part of His plan and story for me. It is what He has for me right now and it is what He wants to use to show His strength. He wants me to let HIM move, work, be all that I need. It's not easy! In fact, I think I have actually whined about it a few time in the last couple of months.

But what I want to do today is look for the roses that are with the thorns. I want to pray that God will use the "freaking bush" to show His beauty and love to the world around me. That's my prayer today.

On a Scale of 1-10

My boss will often ask me... "on a scale of 1-10...?" It could pertain to just about anything... "How much does this matter to you?" "How stressed out are you?" "How much do you NOT want to go to that restaurant?"
Over the last couple of weeks I have realized that emotionally I am "resting" at a 6 or 7. So I am living at a pretty high emotional place all the time. And so when something happens that would "normally" affect me like a 2, automatically is putting me at an 8 or 9! That my friends is not easy, on me or the people around me.
It can be pretty exhausting to live at a 6 or 7 constantly. It can even cause me to want to bail on all things grieving and just become numb or as stated on the previous post, a "compartmentalizer." But, I don't really want to bail on the process, I want to stay in and learn all that the Lord has for me in this. I know that He wants to change me. That He will use this for His glory.
So... I am going to stay on the ride and hang on and TRUST.
AND I am thankful. Thankful for those who are staying on this crazy ride with me and who are praying and helping me when I hit the 8's and 9's. And I'm thankful for grace and listening ears. I am grateful!

Sterotyping and Skoal

I know this is probably going to sound a little nutty... but I WANT TO BE A BOY! Now I know that the statement I am about to make is TOTALLY stereotyping and really does not pertain to every male and I actually know females who can do this too. But the thing is... I want...
TO BE ABLE TO COMPARTMENTALIZE!!!
I want to be able to just live my life right now... OK! I want to be able to have a hard thing happen and deal with it in that moment OR move on to the next topic or thing and not think about the hard thing that just happened.
BUT I CAN'T. Every thing is all mixed up together in one big box. It all affects each other. If I need to have a hard conversation with someone, I don't do very well at walking about happy until I am able to have the conversation. If I am not being obedient to the Lord, I can not shake into "OK" mode until I am obedient. If I just cried for 20 minutes, hard for me to move on over to the happy train and keep going. ACK!
There are a lot of voices going off in my head right now telling me truth about this... and they are all pretty clear. But for now... I'm gonna try to compartmentalize and...
Go swing a bat or get some Skoal!

STRANGE?

I think I have an entitlement complex. These past few months have been really hard. In fact insert 4 letter word... H...E...*...*...!! Although realizing hell will be a lot worse, not even close to the last 4 months, but it has been tough.
And one of the things that I keep saying is... "I'm ready for a break!" I'm tired of the hard stuff. I want there to be some time to recover! I really want someone to walk up to me, or mail is fine, and hand me a 10 day trip to a cabin in the woods that will promise me amazing sunsets and lots of cool wildlife, bear included. Something in me thinks I "deserve a break today!"
And yet, scripture is clear... "don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if
something STRANGE is happening to you. Instead be very glad- for these trials make you partners with Christ in His suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing His glory when it is revealed to all the world." 1 Peter 4:12-13
I want to be thankful for my trials. Not be caught of guard that they are STRANGE but to rely on and trust in the One who is no stranger to suffering and be avaliable. Avaliable to Him to make Himself known and glorified through me in the trials He has allowed in my life.
I'm waiting Lord... Somewhat bravely and courageously... Patiently
waiting! Psalm 28!

Sent from "no tellin' where!" -Suz

A Broken Vessel

This week has been full of lots of thoughts and tears and "moments" for sure! Here are a few of the thoughts...

1) I have had the need to laugh and so I have been watching "Who's Line is it Anyway?" Man, there are some FUNNY moments on that show. And I do laugh OUT LOUD! I have also been reading "Stuff Christians Like" blog and it has also made me laugh OUT LOUD! Very good for the heart!

2) Grief! It is not an easy deal. It has many paths and many stages and many ups and downs. There have been two different times this week that I have just started crying and could not stop. Funny when I try to figure out what sparked it, I can't quite put my finger on it. I know part of that is because the pile is just big enough to get lost in.

3) Sharing our burdens brings great joy and peace. I have shared openly about all that has gone on this past 4 months and it truly has been a gift for people to listen and to pray and to encourage me on this road. I was even asked... "What are your love languages?" and it has been sweet to see those things be touched!

4) God's grace! I got to share my story of His grace this week, and of course through lots of tears, was reminded what a gift it is to be one of His children. I am so thankful for the work He has done in my life and the way that He has pursued me and changed me.

Which brings me to a quote I heard this week (from Jon of Stuff Christians Like)...
“Does God have the right to crack the vessel if that’s the fastest way to share with the world what He has poured into it?”

Habakkuk 3:17-19 says...

EVEN THOUGH the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
EVEN THOUGH the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
EVEN THOUGH the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
YET I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.

EVEN THOUGH it has been TOUGH and HARD and SAD...

YET I hope that this broken vessel and what is coming out of me in this broken time is showing that GOD is my salvation and my strength!

Photo is not mine, found on google images.

My Movie Trailer

I started following Donald Miller on Twitter yesterday. I think he is really funny and says some pretty profound stuff. And I'll admit, I have a small crush on him. Now of course this crush is the distant, "I'm intrigued by you" kind. I don't really know him, so have no clue if it would stick once I got to know him. I actually met him once and had a very short conversation with him. I wish I could report that it was love at first sight, and he has been searching for me ever since. But... the truth... it was completely awkward and I left either no impression on him or one that I hope he forgets :)
I have not read his latest book about writing the story of our lives. It is now in my shopping cart on Amazon. But I stumbled across his contest to win to tickets to come to his conference. You are suppose to write a blog entry "telling us about the story you want to live." At first I got a little excited...
1) I love the idea that we all have a story and that God is the author of it.
2) I do love learning and think any conference I attend will stretch and grown me.
3) I do like the Northwest and it would be beautiful in September. AND I need a real vacation at some point this fall.
4) One of my college roommates lives there and I would love to meet her son.
5) Maybe, just maybe I could actually talk to him again and leave a different impression.

6) AND I love the idea of the little box... creative and suspicious!
But then I read the "tip" section and I know that I would not win. He talks about a movie, and the main character, and the conflict. And it sorta goes over my head. But it did get me to thinking...
What do I want my story to be the rest of this year? Mostly the bottom line... I don't plan to far in advance. I try to take my life one day at a time, asking the Lord what He wants. Where does He want me to go, to do? Who does He want me spending time with? I try to be sold out to His purposes.

And then the movie thing crept back into my head. Donald, which sounds weird, so Mr. Miller talks about the main character, which of course in my story would be me.
And then there is what the character wants. And what do I want? I want to love God with all my heart. I want to live each day doing what brings Him the most glory. I want to give Him my first fruits. I want to know His word better. I want to know Him better.
And then I want to love others well. I want to be compassionate. I want to love them in a way that helps them know how much God loves them. I want to get past my fears and share truth with all those I come in contact with.
I want to live my life authentically, passionately, and courageously. I want to make a difference.
The next part he talks about is the conflict. What is keeping the main character of from getting to what they want. And the answer is the main character. Seems kinda like a funny movie. My flesh too often takes over. I get in the way of what God wants. I let fear and insecurity rule instead of trusting God to move through me. I get prideful, thinking I can do this and run off on my own. I'm the one that gets in the way. I'm in conflict with myself.
And the bottom line... this is remedied by surrender. Surrendering my time and my "wants" over to the Lord. By giving the Spirit room to work in me. By making Him my number one priority. And so...
The story continues. I will get up earlier and spend time with Him. I will get back in gear on my scripture memory. I will commit again to make Him first.
Unfortunately... these last lines will be like a never ending rerun of an old movie. I won't ever get it perfectly here. BUT... I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"

Here is a link to the conference site... www.donmilleris.com/conference

Here is a link to the contest if it interests you...
http://donmilleris.com/2010/07/15/win-a-trip-for-two-to-portland-for-the-living-a-better-story-seminar/

And the video explaining the conference...

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Photo found on google images.

My Grandma Schmidt

Grandma passed away in the midst of so much craziness already that I didn't write a post for her. I also wanted to make sure that I had all the pics I wanted to accurately give a picture of her life and her impact on me. So I took a bunch on this trip too.

It's been weird because I have felt like I missed Grandpa more than her and that his death has been harder than hers. I processed this some on the trip and realized that she really had been gone for a while since the Alzheimer's had taken over.

This trip really reminded me of who she was and truly how much I had taken from her. Below are pictures that I hope tell a small part of a story of her life!

Most importantly... Grandma loved to read God's Word. There were many many Sundays that she taught our Sunday school class when we visited them in the summers. She also took us to VBS.

This is Grandma picking berries. We picked a bunch of gooseberries. And she was an INCREDIBLE jelly and pie maker!

And she was a collector. Her most famous collections is her pitchers. She has small ones, medium ones, big ones, and oh yes... tiny ones.

Grandma was a big journaler. It was fun to go back and read about when we were there. I definitely take after her here... as I can fill up a journal!

Country breakfast! Almost every morning we had eggs, bacon and toast. AND she made some amazing biscuits. Collector once again... she picked up pretty rocks everywhere she went. And I won't hide... I am a collector too!

Cookies, cookies, cookies.... she made amazing cookies. She sent us a bunch every Christmas. (I do not take after her here!!!)

Cards & letters. Grandma remembered every holiday and birthday. She would send us letters all the time. And we found out on this trip that she kept every letter or card we had ever written her.

Her closet... she ironed and was just precious. She was proper and just cute :)

Another thing she collected... tins! These actually represent to me the support that she gave us. Everyone remember those fundraisers for school?? She always bought... a lot from us!

Flowers! She could make those things grow. Her Christmas cactus' are legendary! (That's the first picture.)

And birds! She loved birds. She would keep their bird feeders full of seed and the birdbath full of water. Her favorite bird was the hummingbird. Not so easy to get a pic of. But this is her bird feeder.

And this is one of her bedspreads. She always had perfect beds and she was always ready for us to come and stay with her. Grandma was a great host, teacher, and baker. And was a wonderful Grandma. She spoiled us and took time with us and always made us feel special.

I miss you Grandma!