Saturday, July 3, 2010

A Problem To Be Fixed!

This past week has been tough. (That seems like a funny statement given the last 3 months of my life!) But it has been tough on my weaknesses. I have been battling the way I am made. I know and believe that every person is made uniquely. That no person out there is the same. And I also know that terminal uniqueness doesn't exist either. None of us are more different than anyone else.
That said... I think I am weird. Now others may fall into the weird category with me, and if you do, I'm sorry that I just labeled you weird! But I have some strange combinations... I am creative and detailed. I am an introvert, but have a blast with people. I don't like the be the center of attention but do want to be noticed. I am compassionate but also critical. I feel things very deeply, I'm highly emotional, and cry often. I'm confident in who I am, but struggle with insecurity. Now don't hear me say that no one in the world is wired like me. I'm not writing this to get into a debate on whether I am the only one wired like me out there.
For most of my life I have wrestled with how I am wired. I have felt like I was such a needy, emotional mess. That I was too high maintenance. Feeling these things has caused me to isolate. To try and manage my emotions and needs so that I wouldn't be those things. And the thorn has NOT gone away.
I feel like I have grown in a lot of areas in relation to these thoughts and feelings. I am much better at being alone. I trust the Lord more with who He made me to be. I am more confident in who I am and more ok with how I am wired. And at times even thankful for it. I am more able to let people in and be myself. I am more open with ME!
But I still have times where I want to run and hide. Where I want to be different than I am. And this past week I was struggling greatly with that. I talked with my community group about my struggle to be ok with my weirdness and being different. My thinking and how I see myself was challenged. I spent a lot of time journaling this week and thinking about how I am wired, my disposition.
Then there were 2 things that were said that really stuck out to me.
1) I am not a problem to be fixed.
I had not realized that I was thinking that way. But I really believed that I needed to figure out how to be different than I am. That I need to figure out how to not need deep conversations with my friends. How I should not need to process externally and just figure out how to do it on my own. How can I become less emotional?! That perfectionist part of me thought maybe I could fix it. I could learn to not be "needy" or "high maintenance", but in the end... it would mean, how could I not be me?
And then...
2) A big part of who I am is a choice I have made.
Now this frustrated me at first because it sounded like I should be able to make another choice and it would be better. See how good I am at believing it needs to be different. But what it really means is that I know that God created me uniquely. That I am to be obedient to what He calls me to. And what He calls me to is living authentically. To allow Him to move through me and be glorified. And if He wired me this way, He wants to use me. He wants me to live life deeply, to love deeply, to engage in friendships in a real and open way. He wants me to be open with my weaknesses and to allow others into the battle with me.
And when I step back and look at my life.... He has provided me with friends who understand me. Whether they are wired like me or not. They accept me. They let me process and they love me for who I am. And they challenge me when I am believing lies. Or when I am trying to be different than who He created me to be.
See... I tend to try to manage and control. My flesh wants to not be a burden or not have to say that I need more. I want to be an "easy" friend. But I realize that laid back is not really in my vocabulary! :) And so... once again I am being challenged to trust the Lord with how He made me. To run to Him to make the choices that bring Him the most glory. To allow Him to move so that in my weakness He is strong. It's not easy... this is for sure an ongoing battle. But I think this week I took another giant step towards believing...
Romans 8:1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
Psalm 139:13-14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
So instead of trying to "solve the problem", I am going to continue to "choose" to live honestly and authentically with who I am!
And on a little bit of a side note! I would say in the last 10 years it had gotten to the point where I can not maintain the control or isolation for long. When I try to not process or talk about how I feel. Internal combustion usual takes place or it all comes out very awkward and crazy! If you have seen the movie "Liar, Liar", it kinda feels like that. When I try to not be me... it gets UGLY!


  1. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and to be honest we are all weird in some way or another. Love the way you are and love how sensitive you are, that is what makes you YOU... don't change from being "weird" that's what makes you suzanne!!

  2. i LOVE the 'weird' suzanne and would not want her to be any different!!!!! especially since some of that is what makes us like sisters :)

  3. Good post, Suz. Love you & love your heart for our Lord.