I've been having lots of questions over the past couple of months about where I am in life... things like...
Am I making a difference? Am I doing what I should be doing (vocation wise)? Am I where God wants me to be? Do I need to make some radical change? Could I do this for 30 more years?
A friend told me that she has an identity crisis about every 3 years. And if that is true for me... 1) This is about the right time and 2) REALLY? Every 3 years?!! Another friend told me that he had some major questioning at 37. Realizing he wasn't a "kid" anymore and that 40 was getting pretty close. I'm 37 about to be 38, so that makes some sense too.
For as long as I can remember God has always been really clear with me... stay here, move here, do this, don't do this. I have always been soooo thankful that He has been clear with me. But right now, it doesn't feel like He is being so clear. So... 1) He might be dealing differently with me than He has before (I'm not sure how pumped I would be about this!) 2) Maybe it's not time for me to know. 3) Maybe there is just nothing to say!
And so I have asked a lot of questions, processed out loud a lot (aren't you all surprised), and journaled and prayed a ton.
Here are a couple of things I have come to...
1) Probably not a great idea to make some major like shift when I have only been a couple of weeks in the sunshine. Out of the cloud of lasts years storm.
2) God is not in the business of being tricky or trying to frustrate me.
3) God's timing is different than mine... almost always.
4) How God leads me and what He chooses to do with where He leads me is often different than I expect.
The first 2 are pretty self explanatory, but I want to expound on 3 and 4.
So for #3... God's timing is different than mine. One of my friends suggested I look back at David's life. God told David he was going to be king. But David went back to being a shepherd and then served in Saul's house and was nearly killed before he ever took the throne. Now, God has not told me I am going to be king. But, I do sometimes feel like there is something coming and maybe a change eventually, but I tend to start assuming it is going to be now or tomorrow instead of being faithful where I am today.
And then with #4. The same friend who suggested David also said to take a look at Joseph's life. Joseph's life was far from predictable and so much of where he ended up, he could not have made up. He chose to be faithful where he was and allow God to be the one that moved him each step of the way.
And that got me to looking at a few times in my life when God has moved me to do things or ignited passions in my heart that did not lead to exactly what I assumed. First it was leaving teaching to go and get my masters degree in counseling. I thought for sure this was going to lead to me getting my license and going into private practice. Never could I have dreamed it would mean going onto Watermark staff.
Then there was this passion for orphans that He stirred up in me 5 years ago. It was intense and I was pretty convinced I would end up moving to Africa to work with them. Instead He has used it to be a part of launching our sponsorship program in Uganda and now getting to work on a team that will bring camp to our sponsored kids.
Lots and lots going on in my head these days. No major answers, but lots of peace as I continue to trust and believe that God is all about me leaning into Him and just listening. He will let me know what He wants and I trust that today... I am right where I need to be!