Friday, July 15, 2011

No Really... I Feel Crazy!

I've been feeling crazy as of late!  Now a few of you may say... what's new.  And to this I say... TRUE TRUE... but I promise, I feel crazy because I don't feel my normal crazy!
Lots of things have been thrown around... I might be perimenopausal, which means I might be getting close to menopause, which then means I am getting closer to the reality I may not get to have my own kids.  And yes this lead to some tears.  But after one set of blood work two different doctors said they don't think that is where I am... but... we aren't done figuring it out.

And then this week...

I have been stuck with needles way more than I planned, I've peed in a cup and layed in a tube where I felt like I was in WWII with machine guns all around me. (translated MRI) (Checking on this little thing that we found in 2008, that may have been there since the day I was born and we are just making sure it has not grown and is not messing with me now!)
At the end of all of it I broke down into tears because I'm just tired.  I want to know what is going on with me.  I want to know what it is so I can process and deal and move on.  I don't even know that I care what it is as much as I want to know so I can get on with it.  But I realize I don't maybe totally mean that.
I'm not sleeping well, my memory is foggy, my thinking not always clear, I cry at weird things, I cry at very logical things, at times I'm perfectly happy with my life, at others I feel great fear of what might be forever.  I have moments that I could just curl up on the 120 degree concrete and sleep and others I feel like I could go walk a marathon.  All just so confusing and frustrating!
So here's the great news... I'm out... I'm off for the weekend hanging with my Aggie girls and then next week... headed to Florida to just chill on the beach with Tracey and Hannah. YAY!  I think my brain, my body, and I know my veins need a break.
If you feel lead to pray... please pray that there will be ANSWERS!!!

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