Sunday, May 23, 2010
Running on EMPTY!
Last Monday when I was up and ready for work it hit me... MY TANK IS EMPTY! There has been so much over the last 6 weeks: both fun, happy times, and hard, sad times. But all of them take emotional energy. And I had none left.
So I began praying and searching for a way to get away for a little while and do some refueling. The Lord graciously provided a home (thank you Johnson's) with a pool where I could just chill. (And thanks Mark and Kyle for letting me take today off.) I basically have done nothing for 60+ hours. Ok... "nothing" I guess in impossible. But I have laid by the pool and in the pool. I have read an entire 490+ page book (Francine River's new one: Her Mother's Hope), it was really good. It gave me more to think about, but what's new?! I did go to the zoo with my parents to see the new Safari exhibit, it was really cool. Too crowded and hot today, but still neat. (I'll try to remember to post pictures later.) I have eaten, ice cream included. I have slept, thankfully that is not something that has been interrupted this last 6 weeks. And...
I have journaled. So much of my journal is saying the same thing these days... "I'm not sure how I feel." I really do want to keep processing all that has gone on. I know I can't just wake up one day and it all be FINE! Not that I really would want that any way this side of heaven. But at times it has been frustrating. I can't make myself cry. Part of me thinks there have to be more tears in there. OH, I'm sure they will come out in Estes Park :). I can't make something profound come out of my heart or His Word. Don't get me wrong. His Word has done nothing but comfort me through this time. He has spoken sweet reminders of who He is and what He has for me if I continue to look to Him to be my strength. But I have not had some great AH-HAH moment this weekend.
And so that got me to thinking about this quote from C.S. Lewis that says: "“Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.” This weekend has been a very pleasant inn. It has provided time to refresh and refuel. It has allowed me to not give any more out. It has given me juice so I can walk into this next week. BUT I long for more. And I long for more because I'm not home yet... NOTHING will completely satisfy me. And it kinda makes me wonder if that's why no trip, no weekend, no party, no anything ever completely scratches every itch. And that's ok. I think it might actually allow me to enjoy some of these pleasant inns a little more. Now I can have fewer expectations for perfection and can enjoy what is before me. Knowing that one day... HOLY COW will my tank be full. And I CAN NOT WAIT for that day!