Monday, May 31, 2010
I've had a lot of thoughts and questions running through my brain the last couple of days. I'm sure they are all connected on some level, although I'm not totally sure how.
Yesterday a friend commented to me that she was surprised I could keep such a positive attitude through all that has happened. (I may not be quoting her exactly.) It got me to thinking and rethinking some things I have thought and asking some questions I have asked. (How about that for a sentence.)
One: Am I faking it? I don't really fake things well. I don't do well at portraying feelings I don't have. And sometimes wear my heart way out on my sleeve. I have actually taken some time off because I just knew I could not show up and be ok in the way that my job would "require." Am I leading this little blog world to believe that I have it together and I don't? Am I going to have a break down of massive proportions soon? (The last question I can not totally answer, maybe :) ) I know it has been hard. I know that I have talked and cried when it has come up. I know I have expressed and felt the gravity of the last 7 weeks. I also know I have felt peace and joy. I have been amazed at the days when I can get through my crazy day and haven't had to ask for forgiveness, at least more than usual! So, I don't think I am faking it, but asking the Lord to continue to reveal the me what is going on in my heart and that I would keep dealing with it appropriately.
Two: Am I allowing God to have His way in my life? This one is a little more complicated. I am spending time with Him daily. It looks different each day and it seems different than it did 3 months ago. I don't necessarily feel fired up and blown away. I more feel a steady stream of filling up that is comforting and peaceful. His Word has been amazing to speak to me at each moment. This answer I don't know, but I pray He is.
Three: Am I too much? This has come from feeling so emotional and struggling to know what to do with all the emotions. They have felt so overwhelming at times. They have felt forceful. And at times, completely unknown. I know I haven't had control over all that has happened. But, I have felt bad that it has happened when it did. Felt bad that I can't handle what I "normally" handle. That Estes Park is upon us and it takes all I have normally and I don't have that to give. That it is high function to get there and high relational there. That I have not been able to be there for my friends in their times of need, joys in their life, or just life. I have hated that the people closest to me have felt the sting of my low tank, my low threshold. And this stirs up the insecurity...Are people wanting to get away from me? Are they tired of where I am? Is how I am feeling appropriate? Hence the question, Am I too much? Is this too much?
And then I have to stop the rush in my head and think about what I know and believe!
I believe that God is in control. That He KNEW what this past 2 months would be. He KNEW that grief would be deep and real at the same time that Estes Park would be. He KNEW that I would be living moment to moment trusting that He is going to give me what I need. He KNEW that stress would pile and at moments I would break and be a complete crying, sobbing mess. He KNEW!
And He KNEW that I would be reading in Genesis about Joseph. And how Josephs life did not take turns like I would expect (or he would for that matter.) His brothers become angry with him and decide to kill him... and God KNEW. God KNEW when that would happen and sent a caravan so he would be sold into slavery headed to Egypt and He KNEW who would purchase him when they got there. And He KNEW that Joseph would be in prison and that the cup-bearer would go to his care. And He KNEW when the cup-bearer would bring up Joseph's name to Pharaoh and that Pharaoh would give him the job over everything. And He KNEW that Joseph would be in charge when his family needed to be saved from the famine. I can only think of the questions that Joseph asked along the way. Maybe nothing like the questions I asked (it would have been nice and convenient for writing sake if they had.) But I am sure he had doubts and questions of what God is up to. Did he actually see all the circumstances as they happened as God KNOWING all?
I want to think that way. I want to look at my life and rest in the fact that God KNOWS! He KNOWS where I am, what's coming, how He wired me and how all that will work together.
And so again today... I choose to trust Him.
PS: the butterfly above is called "question mark" because of the little white sideways question mark on the outside of its wing. Photo found here.