Right before heading out for Estes I ended up in the dentist chair. Telling him to just pull them all out they hurt so bad. He takes some xrays and tells me my teeth are fine... but I have ulcers in my gums. Now I have had ulcers on the outside of my gums, but never IN my gums. And boy, those things were right next to the nerves and so stinkin' painful. I looked like a walking pharmacy with my pain meds, toothbrush, toothpaste, orajel, homeopathic pills and 3 mouthwashes. My car ended up in the shop for 3 days... 2 large checks written. In Estes I got sick... yep, out of both ends (sorry, I know that is TMI!) Then on our way home, my front blinker light falls out of my car. Literally, it was dangling by the light, flapping on the side of the car. And then as I am dropping off the last chica... my keys hit the floor board and the only key lost is to the Yakima box on top of my car that is BORROWED! Truly... things at some point just have to become comical.
On Sunday morning I am toast. I feel it... TOTAL EMOTIONAL DRAINAGE. I got NOTHING LEFT. I literally sleep most of the day. And then sleep in on Monday. Then the littlest pebble of them all! I am taking my laundry to the washer and carrying a cup full of water. As I am going to set the laundry down, I totally forget about the cup of water. It hits the floor, bottom down and shoots water into the air... DRENCHING ME! I stood in the laundry room, ready to burst into tears and I look up and thought, "What? What am I not getting?"
I have this same conversation with the Lord and with my community and ask that question over and over again. I really do want to learn it, I want to GET IT! I really do!
It would be great at this moment if I could tell you that I now know what IT is. But I don't. Now don't get me wrong. I can tell you a lot of things that I have learned. Like... I can't do this. I have to go to Him each moment to be able to make it through. And, people are watching. And, He has already showed me little ways He is using it to impact others. And, all that stuff I tell people... talk it helps and journaling is good... is true. And, His Word is alive and active and really does speak to every situation we face. And, I do BELIEVE. I believe He is real and sovereign.
But I think in the little moments, where I feel like it just won't stop, I feel like I am some how missing something. And so as I talked yesterday, something hit me. I was thinking about being tired. Tired of all that has happened. And tired of needing so much. Needing time, ears, attention, space, healing, understanding... etc. And then I thought, "What if God gets tired of giving me what I need?" I loved that at that very moment Hebrews 13:8 came to mind... Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. He won't ever tire of giving me what I need to face where He has brought me. He will always be enough. And then I read Ephesians 2:10 this morning... He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago. And this is part of what He planned for me and He will give me what I need to walk this road.
It's hard to put into exact words the comfort that I felt in that moment. That I don't have to fear that God is going to stop providing. That every day I can wake up and look to Him for what the day holds. Even when I am tired, He isn't. He is all sufficient. And He knows.
I know I still don't know all that He is teaching me. And the hard stuff isn't over yet. This weekend we are headed to Kansas for Grandma and Grandpa Schmidt's graveside service. We will be burying their ashes, seeing family, and visiting all the places we spent summer after summer with them. It is going to be really hard. But I know who goes with me. I know that He has what I need. And I know that more little pebbles are going to fall and feel like boulders. But I am leaning hard into the one that NEVER CHANGES!